Bathtub on the beach . . .

Which pill do I take to get the 'bathtub on the beach'?

The 'debriefing' . . .

I really admire people who are able to put their thoughts and feelings out in the open.

I feel like I have been hiding all my life. That something was the matter with me. Who I was or wasnt, wasnt enough. There was always something the matter with me. I'm 57 now and its time for the 'debriefing'. There has been some kind of a break thru that doesnt have much of a reason or expanation.

One thing I noticed recently was I am at the heighth of my spirituality, not religiosity, and my use of the word 'fuck' seems to be flowing easier and with more frequency. There has been so much undoing I dont know where to start.

First off, I was pissed off at my parents for borning me when they were warned of the possibility of passing on a hereditary disability, muscular dystrophy. How fucking inconsiderate was that?

You would think I am more 'well adjusted' by now than this. Well, I prefer to hang on to a little disability rage and my insanity to fuel the creative fire.

The duel between me and my shadow has been pretty wild in a quiet sort of way . . . I am really happy right now with who I have turned out to be . . .

There have been so many wonderful teachers along the way. I didnt feel that way at the time, but its clearer now.

I listen to a minister who said 'The Israelittes were in the wilderness for 40 years and it was only an 11 day journey'. Now I do not know much about the bible except it should probably be capitalized . . . Bible . . . but it comforted me in a humorous sort of a way as I must admit I have been in the wilderness about that long too. It's OK today.

Judgment and Comparison
Humility is not self loathing. In my 20's I seemed to chant 'I am a defective piece of shit'. I couldnt beat myself up fast enough. The shadow and me were having a good old time. Drinking and smoking pot, eating brownies with mass doses of pot and walnuts.

As the disability movement progressed along I felt like 'reasonable accommodations' for my alcoholic / addict side was gravitating away from beer and wine to smoke and pills because it was getting harder and harder to get this wheelchair into the inaccessible bathrooms and get my body out of it to pee in the toilet. So my creative innovative mind just transitioned to the least pee producing product. Besides, I was puking my guts out everytime I got drunk. And that was the main objective. Not relaxation. Just plain shit faced drunk.

Oddly enough, during this same period of time I was excelling in swimming in wheelchair sports. So there was that 'shadow' again. What a dicotomy. My mind was at such mixed purposes. There were people in my life I kept at a distance. Even my closest friends.